Dating Married Men: A Muslim Perspective

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Is dating a married man right or wrong? Instinctively, most of you would go for the obvious answer: wrong. But you may be as surprised as I was to hear that some women think otherwise.

Ah, why is that surprising you may ask? Since there are plenty of women out there with no ethics (some may say) who choose to steal another woman’s man in order to satisfy whatever needs they have; may they be physical, emotional or psychological needs.

You will be surprised to hear that the type of woman I am talking about today, and the reason responsible for my disbelief, is the fact that this woman is in fact Muslim. Yes, yes I know, not all Muslim women are practicing and are 100% committed to everything their faith tells them to do; but this woman is.

In fact, she wears the head scarf, prays five times a day, and has sound morals and family values. So I asked myself: “How can someone of her description think it isn’t wrong to date a married man?” Well, here’s her answer. And I must admit that I wasn’t prepared for what she was about to say. But what I wasn’t prepared for even more is to actually feel that her explanation made sense.

“Men are allowed to marry four women in Islam so technically he’s not cheating on his wife (as long as he’s not having sex with the other woman), this is like him trying to pick out a new wife,” she said.

If you believe in this perspective of Islam which allows a man to have four wives as long as he can treat them all equally on all levels, then you’re very likely to agree with the above quote.

She said that she doesn’t feel guilty dating those men, and that it is a really nice feeling to have all their attention since their wife is not getting any of it, so all their focus is on her.

Her explanation made sense to me up until she said that all his attention went to her instead of his wife, which brings me to my next point: her reasoning for dating a married man was now invalid by the fact that this married man gives all his attention to her and not his wife.

Now, as I mentioned earlier the only way you’re allowed to have four wives is if you’re able to equally take care of them all. Well, this just proves that some are incapable of doing so, therefore dating other women while married would be wrong.

I can guarantee you that once he gets his second wife he will soon lose interest in her and then move onto the third then fourth wife. And if he gets fed up with all four then he can get rid of them and get four more in their place.

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It feels like a game to me. It’s the same as drinking: not everyone can handle a drink or two.

I, in no way, support the notion of having a man marry four women at the same time. How could you be with someone knowing he’s being intimate with someone else? In fact, it was only yesterday that I Facebooked about it criticizing women who allow themselves to be in such a relationship. So it was only very ironic to have this conversation on the following day.

Although I disagree with her opinion I still feel that if a married man is dating another woman for that purpose he should at least inform his wife of what he’s getting up to. It’s only fair after all if he really has no ulterior motives or a hidden agenda.

I suppose this can only apply to Muslim married men then. Sorry to disappoint married men from all other faiths who were thinking of doing the same thing.

Still, I don’t get it; if a man is unhappy in his marriage why is it so hard for him to walk away? Trust me, even if children are involved in that relationship you do not want them growing up in such an unhealthy environment, with terrible influences in their lives: cheaters.

But, who do we blame in this scenario? The man or woman? After all they’re both having an affair. They’re both hurting the same person. They’re both in the wrong.

I know that you might be wondering: “Well, what about married women who cheat?” That’s for another article.

But I’d like to hear what YOU think. Have you ever dated a married man? What do you think of Muslim and other married men and women who do?

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  1. I have been dating a Muslim man for 1 year. 2 days ago, I discovered he has been married for over 10 years. I am very heart broken. He hid from me this information as he knew that I would leave him if he told me earlier. I feel as if he waited for me to fall in love with him first. His wife and his whole family know about me and they also know that he has not introduced me to them because he has not told me. I am very heartbroken and feel tricked. I am 10 years his junior and his wife is 2 years his junior. His wife seems like such a lovely woman. I feel as if I love her in a very caring way and I have not even met her. He says his wife and him have made an agreement to remain married due to sharia law and also to prevent complications in having the children split between two fathers. His wife agrees with this completely as she is very God fearing and is happy to live the rest of her life like that – according to him. She is in her mid-30’s. I don’t know if I believe that – I have not met her yet. He is now waiting for me to say yes to wanting to be a part of that or no to being a part of it. Has this ever happened to other Muslim women?

    • Hello Hazel, I am in a very similar situation. I am interested in a married man. He and his wife have never lived together for whatever circumstances. She doesn’t want children and he does. He is interested in a second marriage so he can have children. He and I have other similar interests too. I am okay being his second wife but sometimes get jealous of his first although they are not on the best of terms. He is friendly towards her. She doesn’t want to leave him as apparently she is in love with him. He doesn’t divorce her because she still loves him despite their differences and he cares enough about her to not let go of her unless she decides herself. It has been a bit hard for me to make a final decision because all three of us live in the West and there is no concept of polygyny here. I do not wish to break the land of the law although I know Allah’s law is greater than it. May Allah help me make a decision.

      • Do you care nothing for the pain of his wife? I keep seeing Muslim women do this, and I am shocked at the lack of empathy. Is there no Golden Rule in Islam (Do unto others as you would have them do unto you)? I saw a woman call another woman her best friend, a woman who had helped her with a great deal of issues. She just decided she wanted the woman’s man, and told her she just didn’t care how she felt. How casually cruel. I don’t know, I couldn’t hurt another human being like that. I understand it is permissible when everyone agrees, but to force someone into that kind of pain can not be right in the eyes of any God.

  2. storry this of mine i am married to muslim man he have cheated on my with muslim women 2 or 3 times and we have children.that hapened around after our 3 year relacion.even i have already kids and married to him when i find out i been heart broken i thought i will have heart atack,and still do think,from the time no mater how much i want to belive him no mater how much i like to trust him again i just canot i been that hurt that is just some time i think beter to live him but i love him with all my heart and he means my world and we have kids .his totali change he lie he hide phone on silence hes not soft he wont come and cudle kiss about intimacy there is hapens some time 1 in 1 week or 1 in 2 weeks i even have spoken to the other women if you know how much hate i have i would never aloud him marrie other women unles i die then he can do.and is much more i dont know how to change him how to make him love only me not to go other why man need to marrie and cheat in my opinion i never acept any other women in my marriage my husband belong to me only no one else sorry for the speling i hope you understand

    • Salam! Dear Unknown! I feel really sorry for your hurtings! I don’t know, if it is better now, I hope so for you. If not: leave him for a while, so that he will miss you and your kindness. At least one week. If he does not miss you, it means: he does not love you. Then it is not good for you to be with him: you will always feel hurt. I pray to Allah that he may lead you to what is best for you and your children. All the best, D.

  3. Since the teaching of islam, (Allah the Almighty) permits then who are we to question?

    Faith is amiss if one question the teaching. Think. Theres blessing in everything HE permits.

  4. No. From what I heard, Islam does not permit a husband to marry another wife unless his current wife agrees to this. If his wife does not want him to marry someone else it is not permissible or allowed for him to marry someone else.

  5. I have watched this happen several times, and I must say that as an American woman I have lost quite a bit of respect for Muslim women. The 2nd woman KNOWS she is causing pain to the 1st, and simply does not care. In my culture, decent women do not dream of causing pain to someone that they would not want to feel for themselves. You know that woman is dying a little bit inside every time she sees you with him, and you have no empathy. How selfish and ugly. My only hope is that that man puts you in the same position, and soon.

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